Hare was less than pleased to see Badger on his doorstep. Badger lived alone on the outskirts of the forest and only visited occasionally. Nearly everyone in the forest agreed that Badger really wasn’t very nice, and they were glad he preferred his own company.
“Hello, Badger,” sighed Hare. “What brings you to the forest?”
“Stupid question,” grumbled Badger. “Legs, of course. Legs and feet. What brings anybody anywhere? You’ve had seven months since I last saw you, Hare, why didn’t you use some of that time to get just a little bit smarter, huh?”
“I don’t know,” sighed Hare. “I guess I just didn’t think of it. Or maybe I tried and it didn’t work. What do you want, Badger?”
“The list of the things I want is none of your business,” said Badger. “I’m only here for one thing, and one thing only.”
“Okay,” said Hare, “in that case, what’s the one thing?”
“Gotta problem with you forest jerks,” said Badger, “and you need to fix it.”
“Me personally?”
“Yes, you personally; doesn’t everybody around here listen to you for some dumb reason?”
“I don’t know,” Hare said. “I talk to just about everybody, and nearly all of them are my friends. Is that what you mean, Badger?”
“What I mean is you gotta get everybody outta my part of the forest, and you gotta do it now.”
“Who’s in your part of the forest?”
“How should I know? I never see ‘em; it’s just noise, noise, noise. By the time I bother to get out there to snarl at ‘em, they’ve done the smart thing and run away. Nobody wants to get snarled at by me, I’ll tell ya.”
“Oh, I’m very sure of that,” said Hare, who really was sure. “But Badger, if you don’t know who’s making the noise, how do you expect me to tell them to please be quiet in your part of the forest?”
“That’s your problem. I don’t care how you do it as long as you fix it, and fix it fast.”
“Okay, okay, okay,” said Hare, “I’ll see what I can do, Badger.”
“See that you do,” said Badger. He ambled away without saying goodbye.
“Sheesh,” said Hare to himself. “What am I supposed to do, anyway? If I’m lucky the noise will just stop by itself and that will be that.”
An hour or two later, Badger knocked on Hare’s door again.
“Hello again, Badger,” said Hare.
“Well, didja fix it?” demanded Badger.
“Maybe,” said Hare. “Why, is the noise bothering you again?”
“Dunno,” said Badger, “ain’t been back home yet. Thought I’d hang around to make sure you did yer job, long ears. Which it sounds like you didn’t.”
“Now just a minute,” said Hare, “how is this MY job? There aren’t any noises bothering ME.”
“It’s your job because I says it is,” said Badger. “If there’s no noise bothering you, then I’m gonna be bothering you.”
“Yeah, you’re right about that,” said Hare. “Look, Badger, I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do. There’s a noise bothering you, so why don’t you solve the problem yourself?”
“I am solving the problem,” sneered Badger, “I’m telling you about it.”
“I can’t solve your problem,” said Hare, and closed the door in Badger’s face.
Ten minutes later Hare opened the door again. “You’ve been pounding on my door for ten whole minutes!” he yelled at Badger.
“Yeah, noise is annoying, ain’t it?” said Badger. “Makes you wanna solve the problem, don’t it?”
“All right, all right,” said Hare, pushing past Badger to get outside. “I’m off to solve your problem, Badger, not that I think you deserve any help.”
“Deserve ain’t got nuthin’ to do with it,” said Badger. He watched triumphantly as Hare hopped down the path.
Hare visited everyone he could think of in the forest, from Squirrel to Beaver to Otter and Muskrat. They all said they hadn’t been anywhere near Badger’s house — most of them weren’t even sure where it was. But everyone knew what Badger considered his part of the forest, and they all stayed as far away from it as they could. “Nobody wants to visit Badger, even by accident,” said Raccoon.
“That’s for sure,” said Hare. “I don’t want to visit him either, but now he’s visiting me, and coming back again, and pounding on my door for ten minutes at a time.”
“That’s why they call it ‘being badgered’,” nodded Raccoon.
“I guess I’m just going to have to head over there and hear the noise for myself,” said Hare sadly. “Naturally Badger didn’t even tell me what kind of noise it was that was bothering him.”
“Naturally,” agreed Owl, who’d been roosting nearby. “Tell you want, Hare; I’ll fly over there and listen too. But I’m staying up in the top of the trees so Badger doesn’t even know I’m there. Badger can’t climb trees, can he?”
“I don’t think so,” said Hare. “But it’s a good idea not to let him know you’re there. He’d complain about it one way or another.”
Owl took off in the direction of Badger’s part of the forest, and Hare hopped in that direction too.
Badger lived in a damp, gloomy part of the forest near a big swamp. Nobody really liked it there very much, except for some of the swamp animals. They thought it was just about right, but Hare didn’t know any of them very well; they never visited the forest, saying it was much too dry and dusty.
As soon as Hare got to the place, he knew exactly what was bothering Badger. From somewhere in the swamp he could hear a bullfrog croaking loudly. But when he hopped in that direction — even when he was being as quiet as possible — the croaking stopped.
“Psst! Owl!” Hare whispered as loudly as he dared, trying to aim his voice up into the trees.
Owl swooped silently down and landed on a branch close to Hare. “What is it?” she whispered.
“I think a bullfrog’s croaking is what’s bothering Badger,” said Hare, “but you know bullfrogs. They stop and swim away whenever they sense anybody getting too close, so I can’t find this one. But you’re so quiet you could probably get close enough to talk to them.”
“I’ll try,” said Owl, “but they’ll probably disappear as soon as I say anything.”
“Please give it a try, if you wouldn’t mind,” said Hare. “I don’t have any other ideas.”
Owl flew up higher to give herself a better gliding path when the croaking started again. Hare held as still as he could, and pretty soon the bullfrog started up again.
Hare didn’t dare move for fear that the bullfrog would sense him. After a while though, the croaking stopped and Owl landed on the branch again. “I found the bullfrog,” said Owl. “We even had a nice chat. I don’t think you have anything to worry about, Hare.”
“Why not?” asked Hare. “Did the bullfrog agree to be quiet?”
“Sort of,” said Owl. “It’s complicated. It’s not just one bullfrog, you see. There are several of them, and they know all about Badger. They don’t live here permanently; they’re just here because of him.”
“They’re here because of Badger?” said Hare. “Nobody comes here because of Badger.”
“They did,” said Owl. “It turns out Badger’s part of the forest isn’t as deserted as he thinks — it’s just that everybody who lives around here keeps it a secret so he doesn’t bother them. They all got together and hired the bullfrogs — it’s four bullfrog brothers who have a singing group called The Froghorns — to try to bother Badger so much that he would move somewhere else. That’s why they’ve been making as much noise as possible. But they have a new record deal, and they’re about to leave to go on tour. So the noise is going away anyway.”
Hare thought for a minute. “So Badger is going to get his peace and quiet back?” he asked.
“Looks like it,” said Owl.
“Well I’m glad to hear that,” said Hare. “Maybe he’ll leave me alone. But I feel bad about anybody else who lives around here.”
“Why don’t you invite them to our part of the forest?” suggested Owl.
“That might work,” said Hare. He used his feet to thump the ground as hard as he could. “Attention everyone who can hear me!” he shouted. “Badger isn’t moving away, and the bullfrogs are going on tour! But you’re all welcome to move to our part of the forest. Just come due west until you reach the river, then go upriver until you see Otter’s mudslide. You can’t miss it. Set off directly into the forest, and there you are. I’m Hare, and I live in a big oak tree next to the meadow where we all get together. Hope to see you there soon!”
“That was pretty clear,” said Owl.
“Thanks,” said Hare. “Maybe it will work. I’m going to hop home to let Badger know his problem is solved.”
“You didn’t really solve it yourself though,” said Owl. “Do you think that’s going to annoy Badger?”
“Everything annoys Badger,” said Hare. “But I’m not telling him any details.”
“You’d better be careful,” said Owl, “or he’s going to think he can come to you to solve all his problems.”
“Good idea,” said Hare. “Maybe I’ll just tell him I couldn’t solve his problem because, um, I couldn’t hear any noises. I’ll give him a dose of his own medicine and tell him he’s going nuts or something.”
“I like that idea,” said Owl. “Good luck with it, Hare.”
Owl flew away, and Hare hopped home. Badger was waiting, right on his doorstep.
“Well?” said Badger. “Have you fixed it?”
“I went over to your part of the forest,” said Hare, “but I think you’re crazy, Badger. There aren’t any noises over there. I think you should just go home and leave me alone.”
“If you didn’t hear any noise,” said Badger, “you’re going deaf, Hare. I’m heading home, but I’ll be back later when the noise drives me out again. You haven’t heard the last of me, Hare.”
“But you said I’m losing my hearing,” grinned Hare, “so I hope I have heard the last of you, Badger.”
“We’ll just see about that,” muttered Badger.
Badger didn’t come back to badger Hare. It was a good thing, too, because Hare was busy helping quite a few newcomers find good places to live in his part of the forest.
