Heading back home from giving Beaver back his book, Raccoon saw Squirrel sitting on the path, tail twitching.
“I’ve been waiting for you,” he said. “You’ll never guess what I just saw.”
“Um…do I have to really guess?” asked Raccoon.
“No way,” said Squirrel, “that’s just something to say when you want to let somebody know that the next thing you say is going to be surprising.”
“I know that,” said Raccoon.
“Then why’d you ask?”
“Because that’s just something you say when you know what you just heard is only a sign that you’re going to hear something surprising, but you don’t want to be boring and predictable by just saying ‘what’ like everybody says.”
“You know,” said Squirrel, “Everybody thinks saying ‘what’ is going to be boring and predictable, so practically nobody ever really says it. So saying it wouldn’t be boring or predictable. It would be surprising.”
“It should be surprising,” said Raccoon, “but it wouldn’t be. Because even if hardly anybody ever decides to say it, it’s always the first thing they think of.”
“How do you know what somebody else thinks?” asked Squirrel.
“Come on, you know it too,” said Raccoon. “If I say ‘guess what,’ the first thing you think you might say is ‘what,’ right?”
“Yessss….” said Squirrel cautiously.
“But you don’t say it,” said Raccoon, “because the second thing you think is that saying ‘what’ would be boring and predictable, so you try to think of something else — something original — to say. Admit it, Squirrel.”
“I suppose so,” said Squirrel.
“But then,” said Raccoon, rubbing her paws together, “you realize that you only have moments to come up with something original and amusing while being concise, because at the same time you’re aware that whatever you say doesn’t really matter — the whole point of saying anything at all is just to get to the next step — which is when you find out whatever it is that’s supposed to surprise you.”
“Okay, okay, okay,” said Squirrel with a sigh. He held his paws out in a stopping motion. “You win, Raccoon, you’ve managed to say something neither boring nor predictable. It’s even pretty original. The only thing is, though, what happened to ‘concise’?”
“You can’t have everything,” said Raccoon. She looked very pleased with herself.
“Shall we get back to the original point?” said Squirrel. “Which was, if I recall, that I had something surprising to tell you.”
“Nope,” said Raccoon. “Don’t care.”
Squirrel gaped at Raccoon. “You…you what?”
Raccoon laughed. “Just kidding, Squirrel. What do you have to tell me?”
“You’ve kind of spoiled it now, Raccoon,” said Squirrel peevishly.
“Oh come on,” said Raccoon. “I’m sorry, Squirrel. I didn’t mean to spoil your surprise. I still don’t know what you’re going to say.”
“All right, I’ll tell you. But next time I come up to you and say something like ‘guess what,’ could you please just say ‘what’ and get it over with?”
“I’ll try to remember,” said Raccoon.
“Good,” said Squirrel. “Let’s begin again. Raccoon, guess what?”
Raccoon bit her tongue, scowled, and said “what, Squirrel?”
Squirrel grinned. That was much better. “Sloth has disappeared again,” he said.
It was Raccoon’s turn to gape. “No,” she said, “can’t be.”
“Is,” said Squirrel. Now he was the one looking pleased with himself. “Just hopped by, and there’s no sign of Sloth on her branch, or on any others. Gone without a trace.”
“Oh my gosh,” said Raccoon, “you’re sure you checked all the branches?”
“All the ones Sloth could have reached by herself,” said Squirrel. “Sloth moves pretty slowly, you know.”
“I know, I know. But I just decided my first idea about how Sloth got here couldn’t be true…and now she’s…but it can’t…I mean, how does she…”
“No idea,” said Squirrel. “All I know is, she’s gone.”
“I’ve gotta go tell Beaver,” said Raccoon, and she rushed back down the path the other way.
“Huh,” said Squirrel to himself. “I wonder who else wants to guess what.” He dashed up a tree and hopped off to find somebody else to tell.
When Sloth woke up, she noticed that she was back in her regular tree. “Oh, this is nice,” she smiled to herself. “These leaves are very tasty too. It’s fun to travel, but always good to come home.” She grabbed some leaves and started happily munching.
“It looks like she’s perfectly okay,” said one zookeeper to another. “No ill effects from her little adventure.”
“I think she might have even gained a bit of weight,” said the other. “Whatever tree those kids put her in, the leaves must have agreed with her.” They moved on to check on the owls, who for some reason were still hooting back and forth to each other as if it was a big discussion.
