“Ferret, why did you just spit on the ground?” asked Hare.
“I had no choice,” said Ferret, “I had to do it.”
“What do you mean you had no choice? It’s a deliberate thing, spitting on the ground like that. And it’s rude,” said Hare, who was slightly offended.
“It’s Raccoon’s fault,” said Ferret. “She ummed so I had to spit. Like I said, no choice.”
“What are you talking about?” sputtered Hare. “Raccoon ‘ummed?’ What does that even mean? You should apologize.”
“Raccoon said ‘um,’” said Ferret, “so I had to respond by spitting. That’s procedure.”
“I’m, um, not sure I’m quite following this,” said Raccoon.
Ferret spit on the ground again.
“Stop doing that,” said Hare.
“Talk to Raccoon,” said Ferret. “It’s her fault.”
“How can it be Raccoon’s fault that you’re doing something disgusting?” said Hare.
“Well it’s not my fault,” said Ferret. “I’m just following procedure. I had no choice in the matter.”
Hare blinked.
“Um…” said Raccoon.
Ferret spit on the ground.
“Okay, I’ve had enough of this,” said Hare. “Ferret, explain yourself right now, or I’m never giving you another tea cake.”
“That’s not fair,” said Ferret, who loved Hare’s tea cakes.
“I’m waiting,” said Hare, tapping his large left foot.
“It’s like this,” said Ferret, “procedure is that whenever Raccoon says ‘um,’ the proscribed response is spitting on the ground. I didn’t make the rules.”
“How is that a rule?” asked Hare incredulously. “It’s just stupid.”
“Rules are rules,” said Ferret, not looking Hare in the eye.
“That’s stupid too,” said Hare, “and anyway, even if it were a rule — which it isn’t — you have to decide to follow a rule. When you decide something, Ferret, that means you make a choice. Or are you just a mechanical ferret? Because you know,” Hare went on, “mechanical ferrets don’t get tea cakes. Ever.”
“When I signed up,” said Ferret, “I agreed to follow the rules. So okay, I decided — back then — and after that, I have no choice.”
“What are you talking about,” said Hare, thoroughly confused, “what did you sign up for?”
“Ferret Scouts,” said Ferret. “Look, here’s my badge.” He took something out of his pocket.
“That’s just a rock,” said Hare.
“Badge,” sniffed Ferret, and put the rock…or badge…away.
“All right, never mind that,” said Hare. “So you’re claiming that you can make one choice, and after that you just become a mechanical ferret that never decides again?”
“Not a mechanical ferret,” said Ferret, thinking about the tea cakes. “But you’re right about the one choice. When you agree to follow the Ferret Scout rules, you have to — otherwise you’d be letting down your sister and brother Ferret Scouts.”
“Wait a moment,” said Raccoon, who was still there. “I remember you talking about Ferret Scouts before — you were helping your friend Smudo, the Ferret Scout who’d been caught stealing acorns.”
“Ferret Scouts stick together,” said Ferret.
“But isn’t there a Ferret Scout rule about not stealing?”
“Of course there is,” said Ferret. “But a Ferret Scout stands up for their brother and sister Ferret Scouts. That’s an unwritten rule.”
“Says who?” asked Hare. “And how do you know what a rule is if it might not even be written down?”
“You just know,” said Ferret.
“Let me get this straight,” said Hare, “you do something disgusting and duck your responsibility because of Ferret Scout rules, but when a Ferret Scout breaks the rules you support them because of another rule that’s more important than the ‘don’t steal acorns’ rule, but it’s not even written down. Is that about right?”
“You’ve got it,” said Ferret.
“Um…” said Raccoon.
Ferret spit on the ground.
“This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen,” ranted Hare. “Um! Um, um, um!”
Ferret just stood there.
“Ferret! I just said ‘um’ four times in a row! Where’s your disgusting spitting?” yelled Hare.
“I just remembered there’s no rule about hares saying ‘um,’” said Ferret. “Just raccoons.”
“I am so done with this,” said Hare. “Come on, Raccoon, let’s go over to my house and have some tea cakes. Ferret, you’re not invited. Goodbye.”
Hare and Raccoon stomped off in the direction of Hare’s house.
“Figures,” said Ferret. “That’s why we Ferret Scouts have to stick together. Nobody else understands.” He reached into his pocket and caressed his rock…or badge.
