Pylimitics

"Simplicity" rearranged


The Secret Ingredient

“The thing is,” said Hare, “we’re just going to have to find some, and that’s all there is to it.”

“But there are plenty of other things you could use instead,” said Raccoon.

“No,” said Hare, “I’m making my special salad, and every single ingredient is carefully selected. Substituting one thing would change the whole experience. It would ruin it.”

“Are you sure you’re not overreacting?” asked Dog.

“Oh sure,” said Hare, “you don’t eat salad anyway, so what would you care?”

“I’ve tasted salad before,” said Dog. “I care, Hare, I care.”

“Nobody understands what I go thru!” said Hare. “I slave away over my hot stove, and…”

“But Hare,” said Squirrel, “you don’t cook salad.”

“SO WHAT!” yelled Hare, “It’s the principle! I have standards! How would you like it if I substituted hamburger for one of the ingredients in my tea cakes? Huh? How would you like THAT?!”

“Hare,” said Dog, “that sounds yummy. Could you make some that way for me?”

“ARGH!” yelled Hare, and stormed out of his house. 

Porcupine came in a moment later. “What’s up with Hare?” she asked. “He didn’t even say hello; just hopped away like he was really upset.”

“He’s planning on making his special salad,” said Raccoon, “and he can’t find one of the ingredients.”

“And he won’t use anything else instead,” said Squirrel.

“And he had a pretty good idea for a new kind of tea cakes,” said Dog.

“Oh,” said Porcupine. “Hare does get worked up about the food he makes. What ingredient is he missing? Is it something rare?”

“I don’t think so,” said Raccoon, “but now that you mention it, I don’t think he ever said what he was missing.”

“Let’s take a peek at the recipe,” said Squirrel. “Maybe we can help. When Hare comes back, if we’ve put what he needs in his kitchen, he’ll feel much better.”

Everyone went into Hare’s kitchen. There was a recipe card on the counter, and it said “Special Salad” at the top. 

“That could be it,” said Porcupine.

“Probably is,” said Raccoon.

“But what if it’s a trick to fool any recipe thieves who sneak into the kitchen?” said Hedgehog. “I’m worried that we might get the wrong ingredients.”

“Has anyone ever heard of a recipe thief?” asked Squirrel. Nobody had.

“I was just saying,” said Hedgehog.

“Well anyway,” said Dog, “the recipe calls for…lettuce. There’s some lettuce over there. And carrots. Are there carrots?”

“Only about a million,” said Raccoon, peeking into a cabinet. 

“How about onions?” said Dog.

“Onions?” said Squirrel. “Hare puts onions in his special salad? I don’t remember onions.”

“There’s only a little bit of onion,” said Dog, reading the recipe, “and chopped very small.”

“Here’s an onion,” said Hedgehog. 

“Okay,” said Dog, “here are the rest of the ingredients.” She went down the list and they checked the kitchen for each item. Everything was there. 

“Everything is here,” said Raccoon. “Hare isn’t missing anything.”

“So why was he so upset?” asked Hedgehog. “Is one of the ingredients a special kind?”

Dog peered at the recipe card. “Doesn’t say anything about that here,” he said. “Oh, wait. There’s a tiny little note right at the bottom. It’s so small it’s very hard to read.”

“What’s hard to read?” asked Magpie, who had just landed in the open window.

“Oh, good,” said Dog, “Magpie, can you read this tiny note at the bottom of this card?”

“Sure,” said Magpie, “it says ‘don’t forget the x’.”

“The eggs?” asked porcupine. “There are eggs in the special salad?”

“Not eggs,” said Magpie, “it just says ‘X’. The letter.”

“How can you put a letter in a salad?” asked Squirrel.

“Oh, I get it,” said Raccoon, “that’s the secret ingredient. It’s so secret Hare didn’t even write it down. He just used a code.”

“That must be because of the recipe thieves,” said Hedgehog. “Told you.”

 “What we need to do,” said Dog, “is try to remember exactly what Hare’s special salad tastes like so we can figure out what the secret ingredient is. Then we’ll go get some for Hare.”

Everyone called out things they remembered about the special salad. Squirrel remembered the radishes. Raccoon remembered the tomatoes. Everyone, even Dog, remembered the carrots and lettuce. But nobody thought of anything that wasn’t already on the list. Finally Squirrel said “oh well, I guess we’re not going to be able to help unless Hare comes back and tells us what the secret ingredient is.”

“But we could go find it if he tells us,” said Dog. “Then maybe he’ll feel better and make those new tea cakes he thought of.”

“What tea cakes are those?” asked Porcupine, who had missed that part earlier.

“Tea cakes with hamburger,” said Dog. “What a great idea.”

“That sounds bad,” said Porcupine. Everyone else — except Dog — agreed. 

“More for me then,” said Dog.

Just then Hare hopped in. “More what for you?” he asked.

“More hamburger tea cakes,” said Dog. “Can you try making some today?”

“That was not a serious idea,” said Hare. “I was just trying to make a point.”

“Some of the best ideas in history have started out as accidents,” said Dog.

“Oh come on,” said Raccoon, “like what?”

“Like peanut butter and chocolate,” said Dog.

“Dogs can’t eat chocolate,” said Raccoon, “everybody knows that.”

“I saw it on TV once,” said Dog, “peanut butter and chocolate was an accident, but it turned out to be one of the greatest ideas in history.”

“If you say so,” said Raccoon.

“It was on TV,” protested Dog.

“Never mind that,” said Squirrel, “Hare, we looked at your recipe. I hope you don’t mind. We were going to go find your missing ingredient so you could feel better. But we couldn’t figure out what it is. It’s the secret one, isn’t it?”

“Yup,” said Hare.

“If you tell us what it is, we’ll help you get some,” said Hedgehog. “Before the recipe thieves can strike.”

“The what?” said Hare.

“Hedgehog thinks there are recipe thieves,” explained Squirrel.

“It could happen,” said Hedgehog.

“Anyway, what’s the secret ingredient?” asked Raccoon. “If we all work together, we can get some for you.”

“Nope,” said Hare, “it’s a secret ingredient, and I’m not saying what it is. Besides, I found some.” He held up a bag he was carrying. Everyone tried to sniff carefully to tell what was in the bag, but Hare said “oh, no you don’t. Now everybody out of the kitchen while I make the salad. Go!”

Hare chased everyone out of his kitchen, and even shooed Magpie away, closing the window. Back in the living room, Raccoon said “Dog, could you smell what was in the bag?”

“I couldn’t,” said Dog. “Either it’s a special bag that doesn’t let out any scents, or the secret ingredient has a very faint smell.”

“Or no smell,” said Hedgehog. “Because the scent thieves came and…”

“Oh stop it,” said Raccoon, “you can’t steal a scent.”

“It could happen,” insisted Hedgehog.

Raccoon was just about to argue when Hare came out of the kitchen carrying a big bowl of his special salad. “Who wants some salad?” he asked. Everybody did, except for Dog. “I brought these for you,” said Hare to Dog, holding out some tea cakes. 

“Thanks,” said Dog, “are these made with hamburger?”

“No,” said Hare, “and don’t hold your breath waiting for me to make any that way, either.”

“That’s okay,” said Dog. “Your regular tea cakes are great too, Hare.”

“That’s because of the secret ingredient,” said Hare.

“Another secret ingredient?” said Raccoon, pricking up her ears. “What is it?”

“Have some salad,” said Hare. See if you can figure out THIS secret ingredient.”

Everyone tried. They couldn’t figure it out.



About Me

I’m Pete Harbeson, a writer located near Boston, Massachusetts. In addition to writing my own content, I’ve learned to translate for my loquacious and opinionated puppy Chocolate. I shouldn’t be surprised, but she mostly speaks in doggerel.