“You know,” said Dog, “you folks who live in the forest have a pretty nice setup. It must be really relaxing.”
“How do you mean?” asked Hare. “I thought you and Ferret were the ones who had all the best of everything.”
“Oh, sure, I’m not saying there aren’t perks,” said Dog, “but they come at a cost. I mean, sure, we get food and toys…”
“And warmth and shelter and safety and free healthcare benefits,” Hare pointed out.
“Well, yes, those too,” admitted Dog. “But it’s not all fun and games. I have a lot of responsibilities. And being a pet isn’t the sort of job you can leave behind you in the office; it follows you home. You’re on duty 24 – 7.”
“What do those numbers mean?” asked Hare.
“I’m on duty all day, every day,” said Dog. “It can be exhausting.”
“Hang on,” said Hare, “aren’t you walking along this path with me, right now, in the middle of the forest? What do you mean you’re on duty?”
“I’m, er, thinking about my responsibilities,” said Dog.
“You are not,” said Hare. “You come visit us in the forest practically every day. And I happen to know that most days when you’re not here, you’re over at the farm visiting everybody there.”
“I’m a very social animal,” said Dog. “And with my responsibilities, I need all the social contact I can get. It keeps me grounded.”
“What I think,” said Hare, “is that you know perfectly well that you just lucked into this gig, Dog, and you’re just trying to justify your good luck.”
“Oh, of course I realize I’ve been lucky,” said Dog. “I’m not saying I haven’t. But it’s not all luck. It takes talent and hard work to land this kind of opportunity, and to make a success of it day after day, month after month, year after year.”
“Piffle,” said Hare dismissively. “All you have to do is not bite anybody and you’re set for life. It’s all luck and anybody could do it.”
“No way,” said Dog.
“And not only that,” said Hare, “You’ve got a built-in advantage. You’re a dog. You were born into the right species at the right time.”
“That’s got nothing to do with it,” said Dog.
“Then why don’t you see more muskrats or porcupines in situations like yours?” demanded Hare.
“Maybe they just don’t want to work hard enough,” said Dog defensively.
“Oh come on, Dog,” said Hare, “there’s nothing special about how hard you work. In fact, I bet you do less work than practically anybody in the forest! When we’re out gathering our own dinner, what are you doing? Relaxing on your soft, comfy bed waiting to be served. And what’s Ferret doing? Sitting back and watching those blasted movies of his. Or taking another nap.”
“Ferrets need a lot of sleep,” said Dog.
“Don’t change the subject,” said Hare. “I think we should try an experiment. Just to prove that there’s nothing so special about you that wouldn’t let anybody else do your job just as well. Or better.”
“I’d be in favor of that,” said Dog, “but I don’t see how it’s feasible.”
“Feasible schmeasible,” said Hare, “I bet I could spend a day in your place and nobody in your house would even notice. Except maybe Ferret.”
“Complete nonsense,” said Dog, “you don’t even look like me.”
“Close enough,” said Hare. “Let me try it. Or are you too scared you’ll be exposed as a fake?”
“Okay, fine,” said Dog, who could tell she was losing the argument. “And when you get found out and don’t know what to do, I’ll be right outside to step in and fix everything you bollix up.”
“Won’t happen,” said Hare. “Come on, let’s head over to your place right now.”
“Oh all right,” said Dog reluctantly.
The next day, Hare lived in Dogs house pretending to be a pet. Pretending, in fact, to be Dog. Ferret did notice, but Hare explained what was going on, and Ferret thought it was hilarious. “Dog doesn’t know how good she has it,” he said. “It’s totally luck of the draw; I know that. But Dog thinks there’s something special about her that makes her different.”
“She just wants to feel like she deserves what she has,” said Hare. “It’s not her fault. But these beds really are pretty comfy. By the way, Ferret, why do you suppose the people haven’t noticed that I’m not Dog? For that matter, I’m not even A dog.”
“Oh don’t worry about them,” said Ferret dismissively. “They don’t pay attention to much. They expect to see Dog, so that’s what they see.”
“I was a little worried about the ears,” said Hare.
“Nah,” said Ferret. “If anything, it would be the tail that gave you away. Dog’s always wagging hers. I think it’s a nervous tic.”
“She claims she’s under a lot of stress,” said Hare.
“Yeah, that’s what she claims,” said Ferret. They both laughed.
The next day, Hare met Dog outside the house. “I win the bet,” said Hare, “Ferret is the only one who noticed. In fact, I could take your place permanently and everything would be fine. Except for one little detail.”
“What detail?” asked Dog. “You had to make some important decisions and you didn’t have the background? You found yourself in an unfamiliar situation and needed more experience to figure it out?”
“No,” said Hare. “That food you eat — it’s awful.”
“Oh,” said Dog. “Well I like it.”
“You can have it,” said Hare. “I’m going back home to have a proper breakfast. Enjoy your life of privilege, Dog. You’re lucky.”
